Lizzybeth’s Look On Life

Brick Walls Don’t Realy Come Tumbling Down…

Posted on: May 4, 2010

So I didnt really wanna right this, Im kinda feeling a bit drunk so sorry in advance for the spelling mistakes.  I’ll try my best to correct them when I spot them :]  But at the same time I kinda wanna write it coz all these feelings pent up inside me probably aint good for me….no wonder I get so many spots these days, all this fricken stress.

So last night I went to bed at about 8.30 pm..really early I know but I was so incredibly bored, I didnt even bother’seeing if anyone was out coz I assumed they were all doing disertation which I’d finished earlier that day.  I think at about 10.30 pm I finally turned off my ipod after a couple of hours of listening to depressing songs and crying my heart out.  I guess thats what this post is really about….I gather I havent bitched about my flat mates in a while; i also aint bitched about life in ages either….hell fuck that I aint bloged in ages :] LOL.

I’m not even sure why I was crying so much, somethign set me off and then I couldnt stop…I get like that more and more at the moment.  I dont know if its because Im upset that I’m soon going to be leaving all my uni mates for pretty much good or if its just that time of year…I seem to recall feeling pretty much the same this time last year (man this is taking so fucking long to type what with all my drunken spelling mistakes I’m trying to correct)

It’s around 9pm and Im crying again….Im not even sure why….Like I said, I guess its just that time of the day and year.

Last night I cried myself pretty much to sleep because I’m fat; I have no friends; and I have no life.

  • OK so fatness, I can get over that, on certain days I dont feel toooo fat but other days I do…everyone feels like that, I get it.
  • No friends.  When Im at home I have a few mates, but they have their own lives, they cant always be with me 24/7…I wouldnt want that anyway.  But when Im at uni half my mates are so preocupied by their new mates or their new boyfriends or whatever that most the time I spend hagning around in my room on my own…it sucks, I live right next to the beach yet I hardly ever go there coz its kinda shit going down the beach on your own when everyone else is with their mates (yea I discovered that in first year).
  • No friends pretty much equals no life.  Hugh Grant may have said something about every person being an island in about a boy…(he was ibiaza)…but I dont have a 12 year old kid stalking me to break me out of this rut!  more is the pitty LOL

 

So yea….I cant even remeber the majority of what I was crying about last night but I realised I dont think my friends know the true me!  Friends at home dont know stuff about me at uni and friends at uni dont know stuff about me at home! … saying that I realised I dont even know who the true me is!  I havent known the true me for a vast many years!  Everything was simpler as a kid, I had a best friend who knew pretty much everything about me and I her, then at secondary school she ditched me and I got a new friend….we had good times; like the time we blasted the new eminem song (that one that went on about 2 trailer park girls go round the oustide, I think it was called guess whos back) from her bedroom and danced around her estate! … but after that life got shit, I had people who called themselves my best friend but to be honest they didnt know shit about me and cared to much about themselves for me to be bothered to offer info to the inside of my mind.

I realised I think I built like a brick wall round myself at some point without realising.  I feel kind I dunno…opressed… by my parents.  I dont want do to stuff to upset them to much which means hiding my tatoo and piercings.  I think I might go get my feet tattooed soon though coz I really want it done!  But this brick wall kinda means that when someone says “hi hows you”  I generally respond with “oh yea Im ok!” or something to that effect… I dont even admint to myself how upset I am half the time….and most my friend are such bitches…they all slag off certiain people that I slagg off a lot (yes THAT person I live with) that it makes me think…hey do they bitch about me when Im not there? then I cry more.

All I really want is a friend to tell everything to, a friend to hug me, and a friend to love me…maybe I should become a catholic so at least I have someone to tell everything to LOL

I know for a fact that wasnt all I cried about for 2 hours last night but right now I really cant remeber or be bothered to type every single thing that I do remember!

Plus its geting on for 9.30pm and Im getting depressed agian!  I should join a proper goup maybe….I know Im not bipolar, I diagnosed myself via wikipedia and Im not that!

Its Tuesday night and I cant even be bothered to watch monday nights Gossip Girl, Big Bang Theory or 10 things I hate about you… what is the world coming to?  I’ll do it in the morning!

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